I’m starting writing this not entirely knowing where it will end. To say it has been or is being a bizarre and perplexing time is to assume some people aren’t aware or aren’t affected, which is simply not the case.
It is this knowledge of our combined vulnerability that makes it hard to put myself ‘out there’ at present. I suppose there’s a fear of being too relevant and maybe even patronising? As if my tales of woe are in any way different or new- It’s a tricky place to start from.
I suppose I just miss sharing my voice online, though I miss it in the context of my real life offline! It’s hard to reflect and share when there is nothing concrete to bounce off like there has been in the past. I am in mourning, perhaps, like the rest of us musicians who leave a life of community, performance and vibrancy aside for a while. Though in saying this part of me knew that having a break in this way wouldn’t puzzle or upset me, and it hasn’t.
You only need to read my previous blog to discover that it’s been a difficult year of musical self discovery. I’ve felt like I haven’t fitted in the musical world and have been wanting it to pause for a while. I already wanted a break from London at the start of March and planned myself a half-term holiday to visit my parents where they live on the north coast of Scotland. Needless to say I haven’t returned, so I suppose I got what I wanted in a way.
I am conscious, again, that I’m erring on the side of ‘sanguine musings on how our lives are all the better despite the utter terror of a pandemic’. I apologise and can assure I have not come away lightly with regards to how it has impacted my mental health and fear instilled in my family for those with ongoing health issues. I can only express my personal gratitude for having more time with the cello alone. I love making music alone and dedicating time to practice and exploring music without the noise of rehearsals and travel. I’m coming to realise that sharing music constantly can have something of a detrimental affect on our creativity and vision of ourselves.
Still I don’t want to talk any more about my own experiences, and I’ve been isolated for barely two weeks so I might be a bigger fool than I look! What I know for sure is that our big world of whatever is is, or was, is now askew. Our mortality is being brought right in front of us and the subsequent parts of our professions or vocations are somewhat sidelined, forced to live each day as it comes along with the rest of the world.
Of course music will pull us through. Along with all the creative arts it seeks to define the beautiful and uplift us in this time. It is a prayer without words that I do believe will be answered. I trust this hiatus from the mad world I left and try to look in gratitude to those who’s greatest concern is the health of others, be it physical or mental, at this time.
I send love to you all.