Unreality isn’t wrong, but it’s my main way of coping

When things get hard I turn to unreality. Is this maybe why I continue to suffer? Entertainment has been made to aid us in suffering. Music holds great emotional expression we may need. Comedy allows us to purge despair through laughter and the internet can help us connect with others and experience bits of music, …

Continue reading Unreality isn’t wrong, but it’s my main way of coping

A vigil for those dealing with mental illness at Christmas

Suffering with illness over Christmas has to be one of the most miserable experiences. For too long have mental and physical sufferings been separated, the invisible nature of mental illness being gravely feared. There is something especially lonely and isolating in dealing with an ill mind- still, I am not ashamed that my past Christmas …

Continue reading A vigil for those dealing with mental illness at Christmas

Chipping Campden Festival and finding life again

I only see now how the past few years have sapped away a lot of my musical creativity and inspiration. I was angry- the anger I harboured not entirely justified, but much of it stemming from four years at music college battling my mental illness, the stigma and competitiveness I threw on myself. I didn't …

Continue reading Chipping Campden Festival and finding life again

Our fear of being unprepared won’t end well

Lying in bed at 9:40 on a Sunday night isn't an easy place. The looming week ahead has coined the phrase 'Sunday Blues' for a good reason, and here I find myself hard-core relating. Tomorrow sees a rehearsal with my piano trio- the second rehearsal since playing together again and, truthfully, I am elated. But …

Continue reading Our fear of being unprepared won’t end well

how can I promote myself from a place of smallness?

I've spoken before about the paradox of smallness. How much we are encouraged to big ourselves up, promote ourselves and 'put ourselves out there', yet how the opposite side of retreat, trust and passivity can feel more life giving and in line with our core values at certain times in our life. The smallness I …

Continue reading how can I promote myself from a place of smallness?

I struggle with being a mediocre cellist in a world of prodigies

It's hard to explain the feelings of musical worthlessness I experience frequently. My family think I am being dramatic. They have seen the intensity of my musical education and what it meant for me to get to Chetham's School and the Royal College of Music. I practiced hours and hours every day for years with …

Continue reading I struggle with being a mediocre cellist in a world of prodigies