Category: Uncategorized
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Fearing the dark
I am surrounded by people who take the inevitability of death with a lightness I have never understood. Christians often appear to be secure in their dying. The death space is given to me as a cheerful encounter that I am lesser for fearing. I once heard that every anxiety has its root in a…
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This music is worth your time
How do you persuade someone to think about listening to classical music? We could explain its greatness in terms of healing and productivity, or the place it sits in history. There’s ‘because it’s well-known’ or ‘played every year at the proms’. It is culturally ‘good music’, but is that a good enough reason to give…
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My childhood with OCD
The thoughts were horrific. They’d come on as I was lying in bed at night. It felt like I was watching my childhood stripped from me thought by thought. I believed I was a murderer, minutes from acting on the images that plagued my brain.
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Existential
Hospitals are places of some stark realities. They freaked me out for so many years. Sterile zones of pain and death with unwell people lingering around outside. I didn’t like to be reminded of them. Similar to homeless people, it’s easier if you avoid and pretend they don’t exist. I’m being sold so much at…
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When someone with OCD gets ill
I’m recovering from a scary few days of covid. I didn’t realise the power this illness could have over me, making me feel the illest I’ve felt in an extremely long time. I’m dealing with my anxiety a lot. Being a person with OCD obsessions around health means that when you actually get ill, things…
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I go to the pub alone
I am living a strange single life in London at present, moving between the South London coffee shops and the office in Soho. It’s a routine that has shown me a joy I never expected. A musician with a steady routine doesn’t seem to fit ideas I once had of a hectic and unpredictable life,…
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Unreality isn’t wrong, but it’s my main way of coping
When things get hard I turn to unreality. Is this maybe why I continue to suffer? Entertainment has been made to aid us in suffering. Music holds great emotional expression we may need. Comedy allows us to purge despair through laughter and the internet can help us connect with others and experience bits of music,…
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A vigil for those dealing with mental illness at Christmas
Suffering with illness over Christmas has to be one of the most miserable experiences. For too long have mental and physical sufferings been separated, due to the invisible nature of mental illness. I am not ashamed that my past Christmas illnesses have been mental. A time of virus has impacts on us all. Fear of…
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Chipping Campden Festival and finding life again
I only see now how the past few years have sapped away a lot of my musical creativity and inspiration. I was angry- the anger I harboured not entirely justified, but much of it stemming from four years at music college battling my mental illness, the stigma and competitiveness I threw on myself. I didn’t…
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Our fear of being unprepared won’t end well
Lying in bed at 9:40 on a Sunday night isn’t an easy place. The looming week ahead has coined the phrase ‘Sunday Blues’ for a good reason, and here I find myself hard-core relating. Tomorrow sees a rehearsal with my piano trio- the second rehearsal since playing together again and, truthfully, I am elated. But…