I only see now how the past few years have sapped away a lot of my musical creativity and inspiration. I was angry- the anger I harboured not entirely justified, but much of it stemming from four years at music college battling my mental illness, the stigma and competitiveness I threw on myself. I didn't …
Continue reading Chipping Campden Festival and finding life again
Lying in bed at 9:40 on a Sunday night isn't an easy place. The looming week ahead has coined the phrase 'Sunday Blues' for a good reason, and here I find myself hard-core relating. Tomorrow sees a rehearsal with my piano trio- the second rehearsal since playing together again and, truthfully, I am elated. But …
Continue reading Our fear of being unprepared won’t end well
I've spoken before about the paradox of smallness. How much we are encouraged to big ourselves up, promote ourselves and 'put ourselves out there', yet how the opposite side of retreat, trust and passivity can feel more life giving and in line with our core values at certain times in our life. The smallness I …
Continue reading how can I promote myself from a place of smallness?
Goodness I am on a roll with these blogs, I'm sorry!I wanted to write because today was a big day. I made my first ever sock. I will explain... said sock I have dreamt for about 10 years now to make socks. Every year it was in the back of my mind as something I'd …
Talking about faith today has to begin with disclaimers. I don't want to convert anyone. I don't hate anyone. I believe that gay and trans people deserve equal rights within society and the opportunity to be accepted fully into (and married within) whatever church they wish to worship in. I believe women have the right …
It's hard to explain the feelings of musical worthlessness I experience frequently. My family think I am being dramatic. They have seen the intensity of my musical education and what it meant for me to get to Chetham's School and the Royal College of Music. I practiced hours and hours every day for years with …
Continue reading I struggle with being a mediocre cellist in a world of prodigies
I am viewing practice differently right now and who's surprised? My work and living situation is unrelated to the cello, I have nothing to 'prepare' for and don't often feel that in the mood. In fact, I spent over three months playing as little as once a week and was embarrassed to feel quite energised …
Anxiety has trained me to hate the word 'happy'. I struggle to relate to the over simplistic and superfluous ways in which we are encouraged to find happiness. I didn't see happiness as a realistic goal for myself either. I preferred the words 'peace' and 'joy', and perhaps still do. But reflecting back on this …
I am learning so much about myself through anxiety recovery. At the moment, every day has its own struggles and darkness, as well as brighter and more ordinary moments. Many people will know what I mean when I say I missed the 'ordinary' in times of mental ill health. I missed the comfort of mundane …
We can't be satisfied fully as performers until we see and connect to our audiences again. This longing goes beyond the classical world, to the dancers, actors and popular artists all of whom can't see their beloved audiences to give to. Performing makes practice worthwhile. It gives meaning and motivation to the hours upon hours …
Continue reading Irrelevance and musicians- action vs contemplation?
