Anxiety has trained me to hate the word 'happy'. I struggle to relate to the over simplistic and superfluous ways in which we are encouraged to find happiness. I didn't see happiness as a realistic goal for myself either. I preferred the words 'peace' and 'joy', and perhaps still do. But reflecting back on this …
On being unremarkable
I am learning so much about myself through anxiety recovery. At the moment, every day has its own struggles and darkness, as well as brighter and more ordinary moments. Many people will know what I mean when I say I missed the 'ordinary' in times of mental ill health. I missed the comfort of mundane …
Irrelevance and musicians- action vs contemplation?
We can't be satisfied fully as performers until we see and connect to our audiences again. This longing goes beyond the classical world, to the dancers, actors and popular artists all of whom can't see their beloved audiences to give to. Performing makes practice worthwhile. It gives meaning and motivation to the hours upon hours …
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Recovery is a privilege
In mid-July I was struggling a lot. When things are rough, I often take to the subtle art of self-reassurance, which I don’t begrudge myself for. I wrote a post on my Instagram about the 'forever' feelings that anxiety and depression, and the state of the world at the moment, create. This sense of endlessness …
Acceptance
How often do we find ourselves in a situation where we are urged simply to 'accept' it? It could be that we are told to 'accept' the outcome of an interview or exam, or 'accept' the diagnosis we have been dealt, physical or mental. It could be accepting the loss of someone or the end …
Dissociation- the scariest performance anxiety symptom?
My petrified 17 year-old self!! I have been through many periods of intense performance anxiety, and also periods when it hasn't been so intrusive. Similarly, episodes of disordered anxiety symptoms are common for me, as they are for a good many people- especially at present. As we move towards a space in which live performance …
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The reason I create
It can be difficult to look back at the time I laid the foundations of the musician I am today. In high school, cello was an escape from the monotony of every day. It gave me a place to be during lunchtime and it felt like a relief to have an object attached to my …
Right Where You Are
Colour has got me. I no longer need to chase after it. It has got me for ever. I know it. That is the meaning of this happy hour.Paul Klee Striving for beautiful sounds and colours overwhelms me as a musician. I always feel like I don't quite know what I'm looking for or how …
What I Miss The Most
An online concert is maybe similar to a fat free yoghurt. Whilst I don't mind fat free yoghurts, I'm sat in my rocking chair, glasses almost a prerequisite to my weathered face as I reflect. Remember those times when we actually saw each other and played together and stuff? That was some full fat, real …
Quarantine is a good time to rethink our obsession with hours of practice
I'm under time pressure in quarantine. I have to use this new found space to prove just how much music means to me and to see how quickly I can achieve God-tier work status. How effectively am I using my day to prove that I want to succeed? This pressure has reminded me of the …
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