The first of January 2019 was a difficult day for me and I remember it well. I was feeling very mentally 'off' and confused about my life, relationships, self and abilities. It was one of those times where you look to any distraction, something to focus on to distract from the realities of the moment. …
Continue reading My Popper Challenge 2019/20- why it’s good that I failed 40 studies in 40 weeks
Almost every talk about OCD begins with variations on a theme of 'Everyone has intrusive thoughts from time to time, they’re a natural part of how the brain works.' This week is Children's Mental Health Week. I’m thinking a lot about my mental health as a child and how it might be possible to explain …
Fear of others' opinions tends to be the number one motivator towards me becoming a workaholic. I believe I have to live and breathe the music I am playing, the essay I am writing, the relationship I am forming in order for it to be worthwhile. I fear not only failure, but more sinister is …
Continue reading It’s not called ‘working’ a musical instrument
Can we really make music? It doesn’t pull me to try Pushing one word from aches Five sounds from melodies I Remember to attain their brilliance Stay close, don’t pass my gifts so freely The birds might not cry for a tune of mine- Lift soft breathing from the sleeping Air and lie within …
I had a few days last week of very intense practicing. I finally had some time dedicated solely to practice without the various justifyable distractions of travelling, rehearsing and decorating the Christmas tree. The time spent was often exciting and motivating, but it was interesting to notice the ways in which my ego still loves …
Continue reading Practicing to improve vs practicing for ego
I have struggled recently to have a clear vision of where I want my future as a musician to lead. Thinking about it in too much detail or analysing why it means something to me appears to be a frustrating and hopeless endeavour. I don't play music with my mind and therefore find it futile …
Surrendering and accepting that I am more than a musician, more than an artist and more than any success or failure i might incur is a lifelong journey. I have spent so much of my life clinging onto this desire to prove how committed I am to others. I was almost ashamed of who I …
Continue reading Music is beautiful when you get out of the way and let it speak
I speak little on my blog about my ‘identity’ as a Christian. It is a deeply rooted part of my DNA and a method of expression that I have grown up with, though something I find difficult to speak out about due to people’s assumptions about what it might mean to be a Christian in …
Returning from the Elgar Festival I am reflecting, more than anything, on the uniqueness of Elgar’s legacy in Worcester and the three counties in general. I’ve often been asked, and wondered myself, the origins of my Elgarian interest and I feel this weekend brought many things about it to light. The community of Worcester Cathedral …
I don’t keep it much of a secret that I’ve suffered with performance anxiety for the whole of my life as a musician, just as most of us do. It comes in peaks and troughs as I feel my mind drifts between a space of acceptance and joy to a place of dread, judgment and …
