My petrified 17 year-old self!! I have been through many periods of intense performance anxiety, and also periods when it hasn't been so intrusive. Similarly, episodes of disordered anxiety symptoms are common for me, as they are for a good many people- especially at present. As we move towards a space in which live performance …
Continue reading Dissociation- the scariest performance anxiety symptom?
It can be difficult to look back at the time I laid the foundations of the musician I am today. In high school, cello was an escape from the monotony of every day. It gave me a place to be during lunchtime and it felt like a relief to have an object attached to my …
Colour has got me. I no longer need to chase after it. It has got me for ever. I know it. That is the meaning of this happy hour.Paul Klee Striving for beautiful sounds and colours overwhelms me as a musician. I always feel like I don't quite know what I'm looking for or how …
An online concert is maybe similar to a fat free yoghurt. Whilst I don't mind fat free yoghurts, I'm sat in my rocking chair, glasses almost a prerequisite to my weathered face as I reflect. Remember those times when we actually saw each other and played together and stuff? That was some full fat, real …
I'm under time pressure in quarantine. I have to use this new found space to prove just how much music means to me and to see how quickly I can achieve God-tier work status. How effectively am I using my day to prove that I want to succeed? This pressure has reminded me of the …
Continue reading Quarantine is a good time to rethink our obsession with hours of practice
The centre of a palm Unconfirmed speech delay Hearing not as I remember Not as I wish to forget That silent wake up Watching up a tree Inwards the protesting eye Comfort in discomfort's shadow Stones removed our turn To close one palm Opening the other like A star I remember Look …
I'm starting writing this not entirely knowing where it will end. To say it has been or is being a bizarre and perplexing time is to assume some people aren't aware or aren't affected, which is simply not the case. It is this knowledge of our combined vulnerability that makes it hard to put myself …
The first of January 2019 was a difficult day for me and I remember it well. I was feeling very mentally 'off' and confused about my life, relationships, self and abilities. It was one of those times where you look to any distraction, something to focus on to distract from the realities of the moment. …
Continue reading My Popper Challenge 2019/20- why it’s good that I failed 40 studies in 40 weeks
Almost every talk about OCD begins with variations on a theme of 'Everyone has intrusive thoughts from time to time, they’re a natural part of how the brain works.' This week is Children's Mental Health Week. I’m thinking a lot about my mental health as a child and how it might be possible to explain …
Fear of others' opinions tends to be the number one motivator towards me becoming a workaholic. I believe I have to live and breathe the music I am playing, the essay I am writing, the relationship I am forming in order for it to be worthwhile. I fear not only failure, but more sinister is …
Continue reading It’s not called ‘working’ a musical instrument
